I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
