Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
