I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
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I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
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My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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