God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
