just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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