I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
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I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize