omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
