I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
All the doctor said was why
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
