it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
