someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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