I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
