my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
