Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
