have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
