I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
