You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
