I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Randomize
