true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
