Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
