i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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