I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
