I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
