A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I am available for nakedness
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
