Your dad touched me again.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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