Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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