you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
