Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Randomize
