You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize