I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
