do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
