Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
19 People Confess The Worst Things They Have Been Accused Of
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND