I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
