you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
