my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize
