Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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