I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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