I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
