Taylor Swift is so right about you.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
