when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
