im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
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