Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
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