There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize