im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
He shit in the fireplace
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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