Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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