I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
