My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
