If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
