Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
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they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
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I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
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