Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
