my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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