i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
