I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
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The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.