Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me