she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
25 People Confess The Most Awkward Situation They’ve Ever Been In
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
These Are 21 Of The Most Delusional People Ever
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.