When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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