You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
